01 December 2008

Dear Simmons,

Hi there! I'm a resident of your lovely structure (but you already know that) and I feel it's time we had a little chat.

See, I've lived here since mid-August and I've noticed a disturbing pattern develop. First there was the complete lack of heat in my room that I share with my roommate, Tess. Then there was the extremely random exploding toilet incident where Stunes had to loan us a screwdriver if we wanted to be able to flush the toilet. After that, I thought we were okay again.

But now I'm convinced you're trying to kill me.

Yes, I realize that was a ballsy accusation, but let me explain. For the past two weeks, my side of the room has been completely without heat. You've decided to ignore my radiator, while Tess's burbles pleasantly on the other side of the room. Considering the arrangement of our room, which doesn't allow heat to really flow to my side of the room from Tess's, I'd say you're exploiting the situation. While my friend Joanna was here, you were well-behaved and my radiator was radiating warm wonderfulness. But as soon as Joanna was about to leave Saturday, that radiator was dead. And now, not only is my radiator dead, but there's no hot water in our bathroom! It started Saturday when you must have realized Joanna was about to go back to her school, and it's still a hot water-less bathroom. Well, I take that back. There's hot water coming out of the faucet, but certainly not out of the shower head.

Really, Simmons? REALLY? I mean, I think it was really nice of you to be on your best behavior while a guest was here, but I think that was more so there weren't any witnesses or something. I'm convinced that you're trying to induce hypothermia and kill me. You certainly didn't pull this in August, when I would have been totally okay with it. Noooo, you have to do it in December when it's cold out. Honestly, it's just a little ridiculous. I don't shower with ice water by choice. And I'm sure my neighbors don't appreciate me shouting expletives every time I have to take one of the freezing cold showers.

I'm not really sure what I did wrong. Was it the small insults about your architectural flaws? Was it laughing at all your weirdness? Was it complaining about all your inefficiencies? I can imagine that it might have made you a little insecure, and I'm sorry, but aren't the hordes of architects scrambling to tour you enough of an ego boost to make up for all my bashing? I can't have been responsible for that much ego-bruising.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sorry. I'll do whatever it takes to make this right again. Just let me know what I can do, and then will you please stop trying to kill me? Thanks!

Sincerely yours,

Kelsey K
Simmons Resident

[So, I know that someone is going to suggest that something is wrong with the central heating system. But will you please explain to me why just my heater isn't working? And why just our shower is completely incapable of producing hot water? "Simmons is trying to kill me" just works.]

1 comment:

fuzzywombat103 said...

It's Murphy's law - when there's someone there who doesn't need hot water (read: I don't shower nearly as often as normal people), there's plenty of hot water. When there are people who do shower regularly, of course there's no hot water.

And I would have been fine with the radiator not working when I was there, seeing as my sleeping bag is rated to -20.